After more than a decade, I’m still not ready to openly admit my sexuality. To my relatives, people around me, colleagues. Up till now, I would never say it out loud like yeah, “this is my gf!” (even if i do have 1). I would never openly say it out to the males around me too (ie colleagues, friends) because I am just not brave enough.
Many have asked me, isn’t it obvious? Why do I even bother hiding it? I prefer to let people assume what they want to.
My sexuality may seem obvious to most. But there are still a minority who still believe that my appearance is simply my appearance and has nothing to do with my sexually at all. And you’d be surprised to know that there are males who still believe that I’d be interested in them.
I have been struggling for a long, long time. This is also the same reason why I feel so stuck in writing. I have so many feelings, so much to say, so much to share. I’d like to share my story on social media. At the same time, I’m constantly afraid of what my family would think. What about my friends’ children who are following me on social media? My nieces, nephews, cousins. In writing, I am also hoping that they would not click on my blog.
These questions are constantly on my mind:
What if these kids ask their parents about me?
What would their parents think of me?
What would they think of me?
Would they be scared of me?
Would they still want to be around me?
Would be some sort of an “bad influence” in their lives?
Would their parents blame me if their children turn out to be gay as well?
What if my nieces/nephews/cousins ask MY MOM about me?
What if they talk about me to MY MOM?
Would people doubt my capabilities in the realm of work?
Would I confuse their kids?
Would they not like me not to interact with their kids too much?
Then I remember the purpose of me actually wanting to share my experiences is because I hope that more people would know more about people like us, that parents who have children who are gay know what their children are actually going through, what their gay children need from them, how parents can educate their children around gay people. How can I share anything if I am not willing to set myself free in first place?
My parents know. My mom however, I know, is not too okay of me, in front of our relatives, her friends. Because people talk. Too much, most of the time. But I still wish for the day that she’s be completely proud of me, in front of our relatives and her friends.
When that day comes, I know then I’d be completely free.
It is my own baggage to carry. Me getting along well with kids make this decision of coming clean to everyone I meet, so much harder. This blog has been something that I have wanted to do at least 8 years ago. I have toyed with the idea then backed out because of this fear. I have blocked family members on my social media. And now, kids (younger and younger) are following me on Instagram! How many of them can I block? How much of my stuff should I filter to make it PG13?!
I have since decided to unblock most of my family members, young or old. It’s just too tiring and difficult to keep up. I think it’s really time that I just leave all these questions to their parents to answer on my behalf.
I want kids to know that I am me. I love them the same, I will play with them the same, no matter what my sexuality is. I can still be kind, generous, loving and a good example regardless of my sexuality.
I hope that I can stick to my decision tomorrow. In writing, I hope to be braver by the day, to be able to accept my own feelings, to know my own feelings and hope that I will be braver to hold on to my decision.