The truth about being someone like me is that we are never complete, in the eyes of others. We are neither here, nor there. We are female, yet not female. We are male, but we are really not. I know for sure, I identify with the pronoun “She”. I identify with being female. If you’re gonna ask me then why on earth do I wanna dress and look like a boy, the best answer I can give you is: It reflects who I am, sexually. If you can’t understand that, then too bad because this is the real reason.
I might be half of many other kinds of descriptions, but in this post, it’s gonna be all about my role as a daughter, the reasons why I will always feel like half a daughter to my mother.
Can my parents ever be fully happy, having me as a daughter?
My Dad is pretty chill and open in general. But, my Mom is the typical traditional Chinese auntie. I will not say she hates gay people. I would only say that she hates the fact that she has a gay daughter. She doesn’t understand why her daughter just can’t be normal. (I think the real reason I am gay is that she has always preferred to have a son instead. She wanted a son so badly when she was pregnant with me.)
Anyway, the coming out process to my Mom took a very long time and even longer time for her to “accept” me. (I might write about it when I get inspired.) I have never doubted my Mother’s love for me. She still loves me for who I am. Yet, I know she still wishes that I would become normal, every single day. I know it because every month when I go for my haircut, she still scolds me. This has been going on for the past 18 years. And every single month, without fail, we go through the same process, after I get my haircut and the following days. She is so persistent, so determined to get her “normal” daughter back.
Every single time, I get reminded how I have failed her, as a daughter, to make her happy. I have failed to grant her biggest wish (as she always says it is her biggest wish for me to have long hair). In many other ways, I know that I can make her happy. We can talk about everything, we laugh like everything is normal. I know she is happy. But I know she would be happier if her daughter was “normal” to her.
Can my parents ever be proud of me?
No matter how well I have done, whatever achievements I have had, she would still be more proud of me if I were “normal”. Being gay is like having a defect or a crack. This defect/crack will always make me feel that I am not enough. I am less of a daughter than what my Mom expected me to be. I would never be the trophy daughter because others would probably think I’m a trophy son and that would break my Mom’s heart even more. I would more probably be the “hot-gossip-topic” daughter.
I understand how my Mom feels and I hate that I have to put her in such a position: hot-gossip-topic mother. My Mom can be proud of me. Only that she would be more proud of me if I were normal.
But people, family, relatives, friends, colleagues and their fucking mouths. They hurt my Mom, intentionally or unintentionally. They make my Mom ashamed. I really don’t care what they say about me. They can say it right to my face. They don’t have to even speculate anymore, just ask me. But just don’t let my Mom hear it because it hurts her, so much. Can you believe it, that the people who say the worst things are her own sisters, my cousins, my aunts? People are so kind!
All these only get to me, when they get to my Mom. I can never show up at my Mom’s workplace because each time I show up, the whole gossip, speculation thing starts again.
So Mom says, “You don’t come. I don’t want them to see you.”
And it just happened again today. Each time I hear it, my heart breaks into a million pieces. I know that her heart is broken too.
Is the gender and sexuality of others really so important?
Why do people care so much if I’m a daughter or a son? Or if I’m a daughter trying to be a son or a son trying to be a daughter? The only reason they should care is if I am trying to date their daughters. This reason happens to be highly impossible so there is no reason why people should care so much if I am an F or an M, and if I do like an F or an M.
Me and my Mom
Why do relationships between 2 people have to be affected by others? Others who are not even important in our lives. Without the opinions of others, I know that we would be so much happier. People don’t realize that what they randomly talk about, can have impacts- directly or indirectly, on the lives of others.
Most of the days, we are fine. It is only sometimes when I feel upset that she is ashamed or me and wants to hide me. I know that she just doesn’t want people to say nasty stuff about me and she doesn’t want to answer questions, or just not want to give anyone anything to talk about. Yet, I can’t help but to feel sad. And I will never say it to my Mom. Because I have put her through so much- I am gay hence she has become a lousy mother who doesn’t know how to teach her child well.
I’m so sorry Mom. I really wish I could be the whole daughter for you. But I can’t. The best I can do is to stay alone, for you. (But with my short hair.)
My Mom loves me and I love my Mom. End of story. Fuck everybody else. Leave her alone. She is the kindest and most generous person you will ever meet yet people do this to her. And yet I can only protect her, as 1/2 a daughter…
Be responsible for the things you say, because even after you have forgotten that you have ever said it, it might stick in the hearts of others forever.