If you’ve an overthinking partner, you must be thinking that they are a lot to handle. They’re constantly worried about everything. It’s tiring to be around them. It’s tiring for you to constantly try to reassure them. I know because I am one of such partners who overthinks.

These are some of the things that I wished that my partner knew I needed (but it’s just not so easy to communicate what we need and feel)

*When you leave an over-thinker alone with their thoughts, they will think the worst.*

They will always be caught in a situation where they go from 0 to 100 in 5 minutes.

One thought leads to another and then another and then another and then another. It escalates so quickly and suddenly in their head, a tragedy has already taken place, when in fact, nothing has yet to happen.

You need to understand that their brain works this way and it’s not really a choice. If anyone can choose to control their thoughts, I’m sure nobody wants to go through tragedies in their heads all the time because it’s so tiring and miserable.

What you can try to do is:

Be clear about your thoughts, feelings and actions so that they don’t have to think too much.

They don’t have to think if you’re telling the truth, think about what you’re gonna do, or where you’re going. Leave as little to imagination as possible.

*If you get into a fight with them, NEVER go to bed without resolving the issue.*

They will never get to sleep because they will spend the whole night lying in bed thinking about the fight, thinking about what went wrong, what they said, what you said, what should have been said, what shouldn’t have been said, what you’re doing, what you’re feeling, what you’re thinking, what will happen tomorrow, what should they do now that they can’t sleep, how come you can fall asleep knowing that they won’t be able to sleep, how come you don’t care enough for them to resolve the issue first, how could you leave them alone.

Yes, these are the thoughts that over thinkers have. It already sounds so tiring, can you imagine how your partner would feel with all these thoughts going through their head?

What you can try to do is:

Talk things out. Resolve the issue. Reassure them. Plan for the future. Apologise if needed but communicate clearly about how you really feel because they need to know.

*Let your partner say what they want to say.*

If not, they will be consumed by the words that are left unsaid. They will be having this conversation in their mind over and over again.

Just know that they want their thoughts and feelings be heard and understood by you. That’s what they need.

What you can try to do is:

Hear them out, no matter how ridiculous you think their thoughts and feelings are. Just be patient and hear them out.

*They need consistency- because consistency builds trust.*

The thing about over thinkers is this:

You call them at 5pm daily. So they’ll expect your call at 5pm. But there’s this one day, you didn’t call them at 5pm.

All hell will break loose in their heads. And all these thoughts will start eating them alive.

Did anything bad happen to them?
Are they doing anything bad?
What happened?
Why don’t they care about me?
Did they forget me?

(It honestly sounds ridiculous now as I’m writing this because I am this person. I really want to stop and I’m trying but it takes time.)

What you can try to do is:

As difficult and ridiculous as it may be, try to have a schedule and stick to it as much as possible. If needed to deviate from the schedule, try to inform them first?

*Your actions need to match your words.*

Over-thinkers don’t respond very well to inconsistencies. Where there is a gap, they will fill them with their own thoughts/theories/explanation of what exactly is going on with you (usually these are not very good thoughts)

What you can try to do is:

Don’t say things you don’t mean and cannot fulfil.
Say things that you can fulfil and actually fulfil them.

Over time, this builds trust and these negative thoughts will be replaced with positive ones about you.

*Communicate, communicate, communicate*

There’s nothing more that your over-thinking partner needs from you than communication. They want to talk about their feelings and your feelings, they want to talk about their thoughts and yours and know all of your thoughts.

What you can try to do is:

Be clear and specific about what you think and feel. Try to reassure them whenever possible. Let them know what you like and dislike and try to encourage them to say what they really need you to do.

There are times when you might think that they want you to leave them alone after a fight but in reality, they need you to stay with them to resolve the issue. These situations can be prevented with clear communication.

*Have compassion and empathy*

It’s not easy for you. It’s not easy for them. I bet sometimes they feel it themselves that they are too much to handle too.

What you can try to do is:

Try to understand them and know that being an over-thinker is not really a choice. Sometimes it’s easy to say “Just stop it” but it’s so hard to do. The simplest thing can be the hardest sometimes.